In March of 2010 I decided I'd had enough. I was slipping in to that all too familiar feeling of being fed up and feeling like I was nothing, bored and going no where. I had no idea how I would go about changing for the better but I knew deep down there had to be a way to feel happy in myself and stop feeling the way I did. So what did I do? As simple as it sounds, I bought a book, 'Breaking the chain of low self-esteem' by Marilyn J Sorensen. It got me on my way.
I loved the book and things started to really make sense. I no longer felt like I was 'messed up' or suffered with 'depression', there were reasons that I felt the way I did and it didn't need to stay that way. As advised in the book, it said when working on your self-esteem it's a good idea to commit to say one year of either external therapy or working through it yourself with self-help books etc. I chose to go it alone (at that particular time) and so I began working through the book. I accepted that feeling totally happy in myself wasn't going to happen overnight but I was willing to do whatever it took, however long it took.
I began completing everything the book told me to do, the exercises (not physical!), logging down the days events and my thoughts, positive and negative etc, you get the jist. I became my own therapist and it felt amazing, I finally felt in charge and in control of my feelings, I felt on a path towards something better and no longer felt helpless. I was making real effort to change myself, to this day I have all the books, journals and notes that remind me who I was compared with who I am today. I don't know about you and what drew your attention to this post, what your feelings are about yourself or what it is specifically you don't feel happy with, but for me it was this:
- I wanted to feel confident enough to do the things I enjoyed, singing, dancing etc
- I wanted to tap into the potential I knew I had in me to become more than what I was
- I wanted to express myself instead of running away from everything
- I simply wanted to feel happy instead of sad.
Six months in to my 'self discovery' should we call it, after reading many a books and feeling much better in myself, I went to the cinema one night to see an amazing film called 'Eat, Pray, Love' starring Julia Roberts. I won't go in to the whole story but Julia Roberts in the film is basically on a similiar journey of self discovery, only she travels the world to find herself (would have been a much more fun way to do it!!). Anyway, there is a line in the film that goes....
"ruin is the road to transformation"
...and it hit me and has stuck with me to this day. All of a sudden in that moment I saw my life totally differently, my views, opinions, my feelings and my past in a whole new light. Why when people feel sad, 'depressed', low, at rock bottom or heart broken, do we attach so strongly to that feeling? accepting it and letting it stick around? That one line in the film literally changed me and gave me even more fuel to keep going. Ruin means it can't be any worse. If any of you reading this feel you wish you were happier with a lot of things in your life (which to be honest is most of the population - you're not alone) you should be celebrating - because there really is only one path for you to go from here and that's transformation, transform yourself, transform the situation, make a new model.
Proof below that low self-esteem is NOT and does NOT have to be forever :)
Katie Bunting's strong desire to make a difference and bring out the best in everyone that crosses her path has never left her.