So this is what my low point looked like last year, I wonder if you’ve ever felt the same?
You awake every day to your first thought being just get through today. The next day the same only this time thinking, if you just get through today you’re off then for two days, you have time to relax and get your head around things (and think some more!). You see your friends ringing but don’t pick up because you can’t put into words how you feel; you’re well and truly numb - the worst way to be.
You’re getting into bed at night emotionally and mentally exhausted after working through every one of your painfully repetitive thoughts such as everything is awful, I’m not coping, no one notices, what if I can’t pull myself out of this, why do I feel so messed up, I wonder if anyone else struggles as much as I do, am I weak not being able to snap myself out of this? You get in to bed knackered wanting nothing more than to drift off into a peaceful sleep where you’re finally free of thoughts for eight hours but no your body kicks off, it’s not happy! What now? You’re relaxing Katie, why?!... There are things you have to figure out, things you have to plan. If you sleep you’re wasting time not getting any happier (your mind tries to trick you!). Your heart starts at a million beats a minute on the brink of probably a panic attack. It takes every bit of what little energy you have left to mentally calm yourself down, enough so you can at least lie resting for an hour or two before your body and mind finally give in and let you sleep.
You wake in the morning refreshed after a good 8 hours sleep thinking oh good a new day, HA, I think not! You wake anxious and nervous after a mere three hours sleep at worst, five at best as you recall the horrible dreams you had in the night. Suddenly you’re back to reality wide awake staring at the ceiling talking yourself round with the daily affirmation of you can do this, it will get better and again, ‘just get through today’. Finally, you realise you’re starving and that the highlight of each day has genuinely become when you eat because you know you can manage and control that perfectly!
WOW, surprised a few of you to read that I’m sure, de-press-ing!! What the hell happened to get me in that state you might be wondering? And why on earth would I share this with the world? I’ll tell you. What got me there is obsessively overthinking, chronically worrying, constantly trying to please everyone and investing too much of myself in work so I’d feel needed. I was in denial about the fact I was struggling emotionally and I felt isolated being self-employed. The biggest contributing factor was that I simply chose to ignore the many signs that I wasn’t happy; I just kept pushing myself to be better because I so desperately wanted to achieve. Perfectionism is totally a killer! So why do I share this? Because I believe there's a lot of people out there who will find comfort in hearing that someone else has gone through a bad time too.
Man let’s get the inspiration going and lift the mood in here right! Let’s get one thing straight, I am not the confused girl I was a year ago and I’ve recently realised even more so just how simple life can be. Around the time I was feeling low last year I had a conversation with a male friend of mine whom I always respected so much for his views. He amazed me with his calming and simplistic ways of seeing the world but yet never disregarded the way I liked to see it (through fairy eyes, ha!). The conversation went like this….“You just don’t worry like I do, do you never worry if you’re doing the right thing, if you’re using all your potential or living your passion?”. I used to believe that everything happened for a reason and that we all had a purpose, something we were put here to do that would make us totally happy once we knew what it was. I was always searching for ‘that thing’ to complete the puzzle.
My friend’s very logical and straight forward reply was "We’re here for no other reason but to survive. To live, exist, to thrive and survive is our purpose, it's as simple as that".
"Isn't it sad to think that way though, no one having a unique purpose. Like what’s the point in anything, in dreams, aspirations and working so hard if you're in a way just biding time until you die?"
Obviously I came away; being the dreamer I am, distraught by his answer after always thinking there was some spectacular purpose that would one day reveal itself to me. But looking back on that conversation you may be surprised to hear I now agree one hundred percent. To believe there's no plan, fate or reason behind what happens in our lives may not fill us with much certainty or peace of mind, however it is well and truly liberating to know that who you are, how your life goes and what you experience is totally in your hands. Your purpose is what you say it is, you define who you are and the label you give yourself; so you should surely by choice want that definition to be something pretty awesome.
Here’s my opinion. Whether you believe we all have a purpose or you believe we’re here to survive and thrive, both beliefs leave no excuse for living in misery, just getting by or plodding on. You deserve to live the best life possible just like you would wish for your best friends, family or partners. I have learnt to approach life with this always in mind. Life isn’t necessarily about being fearless but it does demand and require us to fear-LESS, in work, relationships and in general day to day, relax more and give ourselves a break (or a kit-kat!). If you feel like you’re losing the plot and perspective, remember this quote.
'Life is always a balance between holding on and letting go'
It’s about not being afraid of the things you know you need to let go of, trust in that whatever is meant to be a part of you and your life, will be naturally. And just as importantly to know which things to keep hold of because you’re ready to appreciate how they enhance your life in an amazing way.
To finish up I'll share a little theory with you. I believe that for a child that their primary purpose is to DREAM life like a fairytale, for adults to CREATE an exciting future through experience, and for parents to LOVE with every bit of their hearts holding nothing back. If we all lived by this and strived constantly to experience the many ‘pinch yourself moments’ waiting for us, the world would be a much happier place. :)
So I ask you, what is it you need to let go of? And what things should you be working hard to keep hold of? Whatever the answers, be here to thrive, not cry! .....Cheesy line to close, love it!.
Katie Bunting's strong desire to make a difference and bring out the best in everyone that crosses her path has never left her.